Day 93

Sunday 21 June

8.15am. No walking today as its Father’s Day.

When our children were younger, I was always a little perplexed that, on Mother’s day, I had the kids to give Lisa a break. Then, on Father’s day, my treat was to have the kids. Saying that, our kids are, and always have been, a pleasure to be with. I am a very, very lucky man.

I’ve decided to take this lazy-hazy opportunity to write this post at stages across the day. I normally do it all before switching the light off at bedtime. But I know that my thinking and mood swirls from hour to hour. I have also got to seriously improve my bedtime routine; no screens, read a book, lights out before eleven. I’ve scheduled this post to publish at 10.30pm. What isn’t included by then won’t get posted.

9.34am. I woke to read that three people have died in a stabbing incident in Reading yesterday evening. I know Forbury Gardens well having lived in Reading for my late teens and early twenties. The thing is I am having more days recently where I just don’t want to engage in the news at all. It does little good for me to know the details and the media seem to scratch the surface whilst relentlessly repeating the same lines. Delve deeper, ask serious questions, explore why these things happen. Don’t just fill the time with ‘eye witness’ accounts or politicians tweets and soundbites.

So, its 11.11am and I’m downstairs, sat next to Mabel, looking out of the window to our back garden. It’s overcast and breezy and I have a book on my lap and listening to some of my favourite music. I am feeling particularly nostalgic and reflecting on the person I was compared to who I am now. What’s different?

The past couple of years I have changed. I’ve obviously grown older (that’s a positive by the way) and far from having a mid-life crisis I feel jubilant about how I am. There has been a lot of shit to deal with – stuff to face up to. Plenty of breath-taking stomach blows too, but I have managed them. I was always told that I was the emotional one, too emotional at times. How can you be too emotional? Emotion is what makes us who we are. Supressing your emotion not only caustically eats away at you from the inside (you have to let it out, good and bad) but it also stops you from acting on what needs doing.

I cry more now, in front of others. I laugh louder. My stomach turns over when I see upsetting scenes or feel the pain of others. When I am joyful, my heart beats loudly in my chest, making me draw deeper breaths.

The past eighteen months or so have brought moments of real sadness but they have made me feel really alive too. I have learnt that always wearing a smile doesn’t mean that you are always happy. Happiness, sadness, joy, sorrow are all part of being human. By welcoming every emotion, and subsequently every event, I am learning more about myself. This brings me peace and contentedness as well as keeping the blood flowing.

11.36am. Mabel has just woken next to me. She has recovered well from her operation and I think she likes wearing her body suit thing that protects the scar from her operation. She enjoys every moment. She loves being outside exploring the natural world. She adores sleep. She eats her food, drinks her water and surrounds herself with love. It’s a dogs life, and I am going to take a leaf out of her book.

1.32pm. I decided a couple of years ago now to stop accessing Facebook and Twitter. I do occasionally check-in if something specific prompts me to but it is very rare. I got to a stage where I resented the time it took from me. I mostly disliked the way it was generally being used. I felt it was a bragging app used to shout about where someone was, what they were doing or who they were with, what they had bought etc. etc. It gave adults the opportunity to behave like kids in the playground again – ‘My house is bigger than your house!’ Was my decision to stop using it fuelled by envy? Maybe. If it was, then I stopped using it because I didn’t like the way it made me feel rather than the things people posted.

But, like I say, I do occasionally go on, usually to follow a link from a website, and saw this great post. How can anyone possibly argue against this?

2.24pm It’s currently just me and Mabel in the house. Lisa and the kids have gone food shopping. Walking in the garden I saw this little fella. This hoverfly species is so common that it only has it’s Latin name. I suppose it should be grateful for small mercies, as there is another hoverfly which is ‘extremely common’. He many be common but he doesn’t know it and I am sure he doesn’t care.

5.25pm. Just been outside to patch up the patio seat. It’s now more metal than wood with the number of screws that I’ve put into it. A buzzard glided overhead to the soundtrack of a Strauss waltz coming from a radio in the next-door neighbour’s back garden. I’m enjoying a beer and some pork scratchings that the family brought back and finishing off my book, ‘The Salt Path’. The warm smell of the tomato plants on the patio are wafting in on the breeze. Bliss..

I meditated this afternoon too. What a fantastic gift that has been, learning transcendental meditation. I am not doing it twice a day at present but I am trying to do it as often as possible. It feels like deep sleep, but you’re awake.